The Secret Diaries of Voldemort
by Ribanusa
Summary: Well, Cassie Claire was so fab at the LOTR Secret Diaries, I thought I would take a stab at Harry Potter ones.
1. Evil Meter 101

The Secret Diaries of Voldemort  
  
Day 1 - Pressured Peter Pettigrew into becoming secret keeper for the Potters. Now I can kill them, haha. And their little boy, too. Hahahaha.  
  
Evil Meter: 101%  
  
Day 2- Damnit. I got my ass beat by a baby. Stupid "love" protection charm/spell/thing. Now I'm living in the body of a goddamn snake.  
  
Evil Meter: -43%  
  
Day 4015 - Finally. I persuaded a retarded little guy named Squirrel into becoming my host. I live on the back of his head, which is not the best situation I admit. I  
  
Evil Meter: 30%  
  
Day 4016 - Even better - he is going teach at Hogwarts!!! I could wet myself if I had the parts to do it. Harry Potter, here I come!  
  
Evil Meter: 85%  
  
Day 4017 - Squirrel is a perv. I caught him jacking off before class. It's like, hello! I'm on the back of you friggin head, I know what your doing.  
  
Evil Meter: 60% (Sad, but not as sad as what happened today.)  
  
Day 1 - My lips are twitching in excitement. I suppose my foot or something like that would be twitching in excitement, but I have the problem of not having a body. I make Squirrel do everything, haha. We're going to Hogwarts :)  
  
Evil Meter: 98%  
  
Day Two - At Hogwarts. Wheee!  
  
Evil Meter: 120%  
  
Day Three - Squirrel is wearing garlic. My frail facial complexion will not be able to stand it for long.  
  
Evil Meter: 57%  
  
Day Four - I really wish Squirrel would use sombrero or something other than a turban for a hat. Sombrero's are so nice, they might actually have air holes.  
  
Evil Meter: 98%  
  
Day Nine - Talked to Albus Dumbledore. Well, Squirrel did. He is totally acting like an old fart. God, he was like protect Harry this, watch Harry that. What is he, the boy's lover or something? Jeez.  
  
Evil Meter: 97% 


	2. I'm Freaked out like Whoa!

The Secret Diaries of Voldemort, Chapter Two

Day 13 – Squirrel taught his first class today. Ah, my little host is growing up! This is slightly depressing; I think I am becoming a bit asttached to Squirrel.

            P.S. One of the kids in class was Lucius's son, Draco. He has a nice ass!

            Evil Meter: 98%  
  


Day 78 – Made Squirrel let a troll into the dungeons. It was quite funny until some poor kid with red hair knocked him out with his own club. I have to remember to ask for a troll with a brain next time.

            Evil Meter: 87%  
  


Day 120 – Watched a Quidditch game between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Squirrel started putting a curse on Harry's broom and then Snape (!!!) started the counter curse! When I am resurrected he is gonna be sooooooo dead.

            Evil Meter: 76%

Day 139 – Snape is gonna be killed like whoa. Not only is he a traitor but a perv too! He tried to "make moves" on me when he was threatening me/Squirrel in the forest. Why doesn't he go fuck a student or something?

            Evil Meter: 65% (I'm freaked out like whoa)

Day 156 – Went to library to research how to resurrect things.

            Evil Meter: 99% 

Day 157 – Unicorn's blood, oOoh!

            Evil Meter: 87%

Day 168 – Made Squirrel go to Forbidden Forest to kill a unicorn. I swear, he must have 

attracted them better then girls when he was in school. Slightly disturbing when you look at it.

            Evil Meter: 100%

Day 190 – Found a porno mag in the hallway! Score!

Day 192 – Went out for some unicorn's blood and ended up bumping into Harry Potter 

trying to pull some moves on Draco Malfoy. Almost killed him but then the Rescuer That Always Appears To Save the Hero Before the Climax appeared. Darn.

Day 215 – Squirrel was "playing" with the Squid. He sickens me.

Day 245 – OoOoh a Sorcerer's Stone! Sounds fun, I'm going to get it.

Day 246 – Devil's Snare: Check. Key Room: Check. Chess Set: Check. Logic Puzzle: Check (Snape is so predictable!) Mirror: Not Check. Reincarnation: Not check. Potter Dead: Not Check. Pulling a 

            Jesus is harder then it seems. Hmph. And I'm still disembodied, damnit.  

            Evil Meter: 13%


End file.
